


Phone Fight

by sierra_roe



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Banter, Bickering Like A Married Old Couple Even Before A Relationship, Flirting Via Rough Horseplay/Wrestling, Hair-pulling, Humor, Inconvenient boner, M/M, Unbearably Excruciating and Completely Unresolved Sexual Tension, we're just joking right?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:14:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29064144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sierra_roe/pseuds/sierra_roe
Summary: In which Dinesh and Gilfoyle get into a wrestling match in an extremely heterosexual manner with absolutely no subtext. So what if all their friends have commented on their obvious sexual tension? They're just fighting over a phone! That's all that's going on! Seriously!---A reimagining of how the slap fight over their phones could have gone, plus, an answer to the question of what was on Gilfoyle’s phone that he didn’t want anyone to see.
Relationships: Dinesh Chugtai/Bertram Gilfoyle
Comments: 6
Kudos: 20
Collections: Bulletproof 20/21





	Phone Fight

**Author's Note:**

  * For [liodain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/liodain/gifts).



Dinesh switches on the coffee maker in the kitchen, and instinctively reaches for his phone for something to do while his coffee’s brewing. He comes up empty. He’d forgotten that Jared had taken his and Gilfoyle’s phones away from them both for safekeeping until they were able to fix the bug in their app that had swapped all their files.

All Dinesh really needs his phone for is to swipe through Tinder, but still, he feels annoyed about not having it. That and the fact that his aunties would probably be messaging him on the family WhatsApp group and getting concerned when he didn’t respond. He can’t even ask Jared to have his phone back back temporarily, since he’s stepped out to go to Staples or get a giant productivity chart printed or something.

When Dinesh walks back into the living room with his coffee, he sees Gilfoyle, hunched over by Jared’s desk, doing something.

“The fuck are you doing, jerking off into Jared’s desk drawer or something?” Dinesh remarks as he sits down at his desk.

Gilfoyle looks up, looking slightly guilty.

“Holy shit, are you actually doing something weird over there?” Dinesh asks, seeing his face, then looks more closely at what Gilfoyle’s holding. It’s a set of lock-picks. “You’re getting our phones out?”

Gilfoyle sighs and returns to jiggling the lock-picks in the keyhole. “Look. I _need_ my phone back. I’m supposed to call Tara tonight, and I can’t do that with Jared hovering over my shoulder to make sure I don’t go through your files.”

“Fine, then _I’ll_ hover over your shoulder when you call her.”

Gilfoyle shoots him a piercing look, “The call will be sexual in nature. You’re welcome to listen in, but I promise you you will not enjoy it.”

The lock opens with a satisfying click. Gilfoyle grabs his phone and shoves it in his pocket.

“Well, fine, as long as you give me mine so we’re even.” Dinesh stands to retrieve his phone.

“I don’t think so.” Gilfoyle shuts the drawer and attempts to re-lock it with the lock picks using only one hand, while fending Dinesh off with the other. It doesn’t work very well. Dinesh hip-checks him, shoving him half-off the chair he’s sitting on. They scramble to grab the drawer handle and Gilfoyle’s lock-picks go flying. In spite of a hard elbow to the ribs, Dinesh manages to get the drawer open and grab his phone. Gilfoyle tries to grab it back. At a certain point, the struggle stops being about the phone at all, and more about each of them trying to knock the other one onto the floor. Dinesh hooks his leg around the back of Gilfoyle’s knee and tries to shove him off-balance, but Gilfoyle manages to shimmy out of it and shove his shoulder against Dinesh’s chest. Dinesh takes half a step backwards and trips over the couch, grabbing onto Gilfoyle’s shirt as he falls and bringing them both to the floor. Somehow he manages to land on top of Gilfoyle, pinning him down and sitting up triumphantly.

“Now where the fuck did you put it?” Dinesh starts patting around at Gilfoyle’s pockets, trying to figure out if Gilfoyle ended up landing on top of the phone when he fell. Gilfoyle stubbornly gives him a completely deadpan face, revealing nothing.

Jian-Yang wanders into the living room, ostensibly on his way outside to smoke although he’s already got a lit cigarette in his hand. “Are you doing the gay sex here? You cannot do the gay sex in the living room. Go into other room. Go into Erlich room.”

“Fuck _off,_ Jian-Yang!” Dinesh and Gilfoyle both say at the same time, then glare at each other. Jian-Yang steps over Gilfoyle’s legs and walks out to the back yard.

Erlich walks into the room a second later, holding a bong and a lighter, a murky cloud of smoke swirling around him as he exhales. “Hey, do you guys smell cigarette smoke? Was Jian-Yang smoking inside again?” Erlich begins, then stops when he sees them on the floor. “You guys finally about to fuck or something? Can you at least go into one of your bedrooms first?”

“Fuck off, Erlich.” This time, Gilfoyle lets Dinesh deliver the response.

“Gentlemen, I want no part of whatever …this… is, so I’ll leave you to it. Jian-Yang! No smoking inside!” Erlich goes outside to berate Jian-Yang.

“Why does everyone think we’re having sex?” Dinesh asks.

“I don’t know, Dinesh, maybe because it looks like you’re riding my dick right now?”

“What?” Dinesh looks down in alarm and realizes that he’s sitting straddling Gilfoyle, precisely on top of his crotch. He quickly scrambles off. “Ew, gross.”

“Yeah. Gross.” Gilfoyle agrees unconvincingly. “My dick’s too good for your ass anyway. You _wish_ I’d lower my standards to fuck you.” He stands up, grabbing the phone from under the couch where it fell during their struggle, and begins to brush the dust and crumbs off his black jeans. No one ever vacuums in here.

Dinesh lunges forward, tangling a fist in Gilfoyle’s hair, at the back of his head right above the nape of his neck.

“Oh _fuck,_ ” Gilfoyle says, twisting his hips backwards and away from Dinesh to hide the fact that he’s suddenly gotten very hard, and losing the battle for the phone in the process. Dinesh snatches it out of his hand triumphantly but doesn’t let go of his hair.

“I didn’t think you’d stoop to fighting dirty like this,” Gilfoyle says. ”I respect your complete lack of morals and disregard for–” Dinesh yanks on his hair again and Gilfoyle cuts off his sentence with a strangled moan.

“What is this? I thought for sure you’d have a bunch of your dick pics on here,” Dinesh says, swiping rapidly through Gilfoyle’s files while keeping a grip on his hair with the other hand, arm straight out to keep Gilfoyle as far away from the phone as possible. While he’s occupied, Gilfoyle takes a second to stealthily tuck his boner into his waistband, out of the way.

“Uh, yeah, that’s it, I didn’t want you to see my dick pics,” Gilfoyle says unconvincingly. “If I show them to you will stop looking through my files?”

“What?” Dinesh glances over, but then returns to swiping, “All you’ve got on here is like a bunch of emails and cryptocurrency account statements. Why did you think I’d care that you… Oh… Holy shit.” He holds the phone up to Gilfoyle, who seems defeated and pliable enough that he doesn’t even try to grab it. “Gilfoyle. Is this number for real? Is this your fucking bitcoin portfolio, Gilfoyle?”

Gilfoyle doesn’t say anything but fixes him with a look that means Dinesh has gotten it right. Dinesh finally lets go of his hair.

“Holy fucking shit Gilfoyle, you’re rich. You’ve been rich this entire time. If you’ve got all this, what are you even doing in this job? Why are you driving that shitty old Volvo? Why aren’t you off relaxing on a beach in Hawaii or something?”

“Because I like it here, okay? As much as it pains me to admit it, I enjoy working on projects… here...” He trails off as if there was more to the sentence that he didn’t say. About liking working on projects, here, with Dinesh.

“Why didn’t you want me to see this? Why was it such a big deal?”

“Because you can’t keep your mouth shut. And the minute Richard and Erlich find out I have all this money, they’re going to start looking to me to bail them out next time one of our actual investors falls through.”

“Okay, that is _not_ true. I know how to keep my mouth shut.”

“Debatable. Especially you get after a few drinks in you.”

“Maybe I just don’t care that much about keeping your secrets. Maybe if I was a little more _motivated_ to remember not to tell them…”

Gilfoyle crosses his arms. “If you were any less incompetent at this I’d think you were trying to extract some kind of sexual favor from me.”

On a whim, without really thinking it through, Dinesh says, “Maybe you could buy my silence with a blowjob.”

“You’d force me to suck your dick?” Gilfoyle sounds suspiciously cheered by the idea.

Dinesh decides to forge ahead as if they’re still joking, as if he hadn’t noticed the change in tone. “Yeah. What if I did? What are you gonna do about it?”

“I mean, I’d definitely ‘hate’ it if you ‘forced’ me to suck your dick.” Gilfoyle says, almost as if he has the complete opposite feeling about it. “That would be a really ‘terrible’ way to convince you to keep my secret. That I definitely ‘wouldn’t’ enjoy. At all.”

“Good. I’ll let you know when I want it,” Dinesh says, not sure at this point if the pretense of it all being a joke still carries any weight, or if maybe, just maybe, this might be a serious offer that he might actually take Gilfoyle up on. “I’m not forgetting that you owe me.” In the back of his head, he feels like he should have noticed the point at which the line between joking and serious got crossed, but he can’t for the life of him figure out when it happened.

“Don’t you worry, I won’t forget either,” Gilfoyle says meaningfully, which Dinesh chooses to ignore. “Because of the bitcoin. And no other reason,” he adds.

Jared comes through the front door, carrying a rolled poster and a bag of office supplies.

“Jared! I found Gilfoyle’s secret and now he has to suck— Ow! Hey!“ Dinesh is cut off when Gilfoyle stomps hard on his foot.

“You’re really proving my point here about not keeping your mouth shut,” Gilfoyle says.

“Fellas, do I need to review the sexual harassment policy with you again?” Jared says, setting down his purchases.

“What’s a little occasional dick sucking between friends and co-workers?” Gilfoyle says as if he doesn’t care at all.

“See?” Jared says, beaming, “I knew you’d eventually admit that you’re friends! But all kidding aside, guys, I do think that it’s about time for a review of the policy.”

**Author's Note:**

> I’m convinced that Gilfoyle is secretly independently wealthy for the entire show, based on this extra-canon clip of him saying in the Bloomberg interview that he started mining bitcoin in 2009. <https://twitter.com/techatbloomberg/status/993316991770546176?lang=en>


End file.
